Monday, August 22, 2011

August 22, 2011

No I've not given up, although at times I've considered it. Ugh...This is part of why I wish I could just GO, not wait, GO NOW.  A great deal of my success is going to depend on mental stamina more than anything anyway.  I already know physically IT'S GOING TO HURT AND IT'S GOING TO HURT BAD.  I am going to exhaust my body incredibly bad.  I know this and there is no getting around many many times I've thought why not just go now?  Honestly, if I find that jogging stroller or the equivalent, it's not ruled out.

So much has happened and it's still busy, this is why I haven't had time to update on here.  I figure, there's not much to say here.  Then today I though differently.  Afterall, what is my cause?  Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and because of some major stress they have been flaring big time and I've not been able to do much of anything.  Such is the nature of the beast. My emotions concerning this have ran the gammut lately.  I've gone through feeling defeated, being angry, knowing that as long as I am still determined to do this then I am not defeated but far would I make it on days like these?  That's where that mental stamina comes in.  If I'm having an angry day or stubborn day I could probably make it further than on a good day BUT come tomorrow I would be totally unable to move. (Support vehicle would be a must)

I've also realized this walk is very personal in many ways.  I need to feel like I am worth something.  I need to show some particular people that I am worth something.  I need to feel like I am able to help others instead of always being the one who needs help.  I also realized it's about living. 

How can I explain this????

Monday, August 8, 2011


Where to start?  Right now I'm hurting so bad I can barely type and that's WITH my pain medication.  Further I missed the funeral of a very dear Uncle this morning partly due to my illness.  On the other hand I probaby wouldn't have known about his passing had I not been able to sleep last night due to the pain but the lack of sleep and pain has kept me pretty much immobile today. 

I took the advice of current walker Tyler Coulson and tried walking WITH a pack and BOY WAS HE RIGHT!   It makes a world of difference!  And my body is telling me so! (Note to self:  support vehicle definitely desired,  or hotel sleeping should be worked into budget.  And a jogging stroller is a MUST)  I did make it three miles with the pack but wow.  And it wasn't even a full pack. I mean, a full pack will be heavier than what I carried.  I didn't weigh what I carried but I'm sure it wasn't equal to a full pack.  I'm feeling very much like a wimp right now.  Hurting physically and emotionally. :(  But I'm just beginning and as I said before GOD willing this will be a success!  And I will now add to my causes "In honor of my Uncle Bob" who I did not get to say goodbye to today.  He loved God as did my Dad, whom I get my adventurous outdoorsy side so I'm sure I will be thinking of them a LOT along this path.

But people don't realize how those of us with this illness have to "pay" for everything we do.   Had I known about his passing and funeral of course I would not have walked at all to be sure I could attend.  Those of us with this have to think of things like that and sometimes our bodies still won't cooperate.  As it is, although I did write to my cousin, there are likely people thinking I just didn't care because I can't possibly write and explain to everyone, and others just do not understand or refuse to.  THIS is why I write and this is why it's so important to me to succeed in doing this walk and getting to talk to people across the nation about FMS and CFS.  I'm not going to hide my pain;  I won't be able to like I can here in the safety and shelter of my home.  And every step I take I will think about those who suffer who have no choice but push thru their pain because they have to live and are denied SS disability and have no other means of support.  Hopefully at least in some small way I can help.  That is my prayer, that is my hope and my dream.